Friday, 28 January 2011

When Did I Get So Lost?

At what point did I lose myself?  When did I become this person I always thought about but never was?  And how did she change so rapidly?

I am a pack rat.  I blame this on my training as a historian.  One should not instantly toss out a remnant of their past, in case people in the future would have value in studying it.  Sadly, these things that I keep bring up images of myself I don't always want to remember.  Sometimes, I find myself flipping through old materials of my life, impressed with how far I've come.  Tonight, I was only surprised.

For the most part, I do love the new me. But, don't let the narcissism fool you.  For the most part, that's just a cover - a defence mechanism I developed to protect my fragile ego - for the paddling duck underneath.  I've been able to keep the duck calm for awhile, and I'm working at being okay with the duck not moving anywhere when we are this calm.  There are things about the new self, though, that I don't like, and I feel like my tools for survival may be hiding those things I used to love.

It's okay, though.  I don't have to "find" myself anytime soon.  When the time is right, it's right, no?  Yes.  I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for my life to get going again...

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