Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Bif Naked - I Love Myself Today (Music Video)
Sometimes, we just need a little self-love/confidence.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
The Love Feast
In an upper room at midnight
See us gathered on behalf
Of love according to the gospel
Of the radio-phonograph.
Lou is telling Anne what Molly
Said to Mark behind her back;
Jack likes Jill who worships George
Who has the hots for Jack.
Catechumens make their entrance;
Steep enthusiastic eyes
Flicker after tits and baskets;
Someone vomits; someone cries.
Willy cannot bear his father,
Lillian is afraid of kids;
The Love that rules the sun and stars
Permits what He forbids.
Adrian's pleasure-loving dachsund
In a sinner's lap lies curled;
Drunken absent-minded fingers
Pat a sinless world.
Who is Jenny lying to
In her call, Collect, to Rome?
The Love that made her out of nothing
Tells me to go home.
But that Miss Number in the corner
Playing hard to get...
I am sorry I'm not sorry...
Make me chaste, Lord, but not yet.
~ W. H. Auden
See us gathered on behalf
Of love according to the gospel
Of the radio-phonograph.
Lou is telling Anne what Molly
Said to Mark behind her back;
Jack likes Jill who worships George
Who has the hots for Jack.
Catechumens make their entrance;
Steep enthusiastic eyes
Flicker after tits and baskets;
Someone vomits; someone cries.
Willy cannot bear his father,
Lillian is afraid of kids;
The Love that rules the sun and stars
Permits what He forbids.
Adrian's pleasure-loving dachsund
In a sinner's lap lies curled;
Drunken absent-minded fingers
Pat a sinless world.
Who is Jenny lying to
In her call, Collect, to Rome?
The Love that made her out of nothing
Tells me to go home.
But that Miss Number in the corner
Playing hard to get...
I am sorry I'm not sorry...
Make me chaste, Lord, but not yet.
~ W. H. Auden
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Coffee Shop as a Microcosm
I'm back...and loving it!
In a week or two, I will have been back for three months, working for a company I "landed in" after my first bout of unemployment in Alberta. At that time, it was still a head scratcher to be unemployed in Alberta. Recessions come to every province, though, and that was the beginning of Alberta's. This second time, I had been willfully unemployed for about two days before being convinced that my return would be a good thing.
It's not about the money, although the money helps. For the most part, it's about what this place means to me. It is the common thread of my adult life...
As a hippy, I have been confronted with the question of how I could work for such a large corporation. Mostly, the comments I respond with are attempts at funny quips about ripping it off, knowing I'm taken care of, or abusing the benefits. I'm actually a good employee for them, though, feel cheated about the low wages, and never use my benefits. Then, what is the real reason? The thread. It was a place I discovered in Vancouver, the Canadian version of its birthplace. Vancouver means so much to who I am, bu I can't take the city with me EVERYWHERE. Luckily, I can find this company almost everywhere, and remember INSTANTLY what it was like to be in Vancouver. I remember my cafe back there; my first summer living on my own; writing as I watched people catch their bus; the regulars that I wrote about in my character journal; and all the friends I made along the way...all through a common love for a cup of joe...
Now, I cherish being a witness to some of the ridiculously random events that I see and hear by being that fly on the wall server to the masses. I exist on both sides of the counter, now, and it brings about some of the most interesting knowledge.
There's an example I've been meaning to share since December:
A coworker was working the till, running drinks through as quickly as possible, not paying too much attention to the rest of the world, just doing her job. A young woman approached the till, but was interrupted by an older, but still young man. By their greeting, my coworker believed that the two were strangers...but not for long.
This may not have been the young man's opening line, but it was apparently the one that worked. "Well, we're already here, why don't we share a coffee?" And the young woman acquiesced.
Immediately following this encounter, my coworker found herself within my earshot but not those of the two we began to discuss - as is often the case with the gossip we share. She tried to quickly convey to me what had just happened in front of her, not necessarily understanding the randomness that had transpired. I made their drinks with care, providing them with good coffee to discuss rather than complaints to fill a first date with.
Two hours later, I began to sweep the cafe, and saw the two strangers still talking to one another. She seemed relatively content listening to him tell an enthusiastic story about an area of his life he was proud of. I wonder if they'll return here for a Valentine's Day drink...
So there is the randomness of my privileged people watching that I enjoy. And then there is the analysis of the community that exists here that I love to do. I'll save that for another day. As for now, I'm still collecting data. Maybe after another three months, I'll be ready for my report....
Always the social scientist!
In a week or two, I will have been back for three months, working for a company I "landed in" after my first bout of unemployment in Alberta. At that time, it was still a head scratcher to be unemployed in Alberta. Recessions come to every province, though, and that was the beginning of Alberta's. This second time, I had been willfully unemployed for about two days before being convinced that my return would be a good thing.
It's not about the money, although the money helps. For the most part, it's about what this place means to me. It is the common thread of my adult life...
As a hippy, I have been confronted with the question of how I could work for such a large corporation. Mostly, the comments I respond with are attempts at funny quips about ripping it off, knowing I'm taken care of, or abusing the benefits. I'm actually a good employee for them, though, feel cheated about the low wages, and never use my benefits. Then, what is the real reason? The thread. It was a place I discovered in Vancouver, the Canadian version of its birthplace. Vancouver means so much to who I am, bu I can't take the city with me EVERYWHERE. Luckily, I can find this company almost everywhere, and remember INSTANTLY what it was like to be in Vancouver. I remember my cafe back there; my first summer living on my own; writing as I watched people catch their bus; the regulars that I wrote about in my character journal; and all the friends I made along the way...all through a common love for a cup of joe...
Now, I cherish being a witness to some of the ridiculously random events that I see and hear by being that fly on the wall server to the masses. I exist on both sides of the counter, now, and it brings about some of the most interesting knowledge.
There's an example I've been meaning to share since December:
A coworker was working the till, running drinks through as quickly as possible, not paying too much attention to the rest of the world, just doing her job. A young woman approached the till, but was interrupted by an older, but still young man. By their greeting, my coworker believed that the two were strangers...but not for long.
This may not have been the young man's opening line, but it was apparently the one that worked. "Well, we're already here, why don't we share a coffee?" And the young woman acquiesced.
Immediately following this encounter, my coworker found herself within my earshot but not those of the two we began to discuss - as is often the case with the gossip we share. She tried to quickly convey to me what had just happened in front of her, not necessarily understanding the randomness that had transpired. I made their drinks with care, providing them with good coffee to discuss rather than complaints to fill a first date with.
Two hours later, I began to sweep the cafe, and saw the two strangers still talking to one another. She seemed relatively content listening to him tell an enthusiastic story about an area of his life he was proud of. I wonder if they'll return here for a Valentine's Day drink...
So there is the randomness of my privileged people watching that I enjoy. And then there is the analysis of the community that exists here that I love to do. I'll save that for another day. As for now, I'm still collecting data. Maybe after another three months, I'll be ready for my report....
Always the social scientist!
Pain, Love, and Crazy Girl Episodes
“Every little girl knows about love. It is only her capacity to suffer because of it that increases.”
~ FRANÇOISE SAGAN
Okay, alright, if one Crazy Girl episode gives me this much insight and inspiration, I'm okay with them happening occasionally. Just maybe, though, could they possibly stop happening when I really don't have time to rock back and forth in the shower, sobbing over love's labour lost?
~ note to myself, January 16, 2011, after writing madly through the pain for an hour...
There is value in that pain. It has sparked a lot of inspiration for me to write. And, this is okay. But, there is so much pain in the world outside of my own self and my pain that I wish I was writing about instead.
The pain has been extinguished. I sit, emotionless in reaction to any more news. I don't look for any more news. My eyes are on other people, including me - my own self. And there is less pain there. I may be a bit guarded, but that's ok for now. I have lived in a bubble before. I became who I am today because of that bubble. This bubble is a bit more fluid...but it will protect me just as much, I hope...
If not, though, what's wrong with that? It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?
~ FRANÇOISE SAGAN
Okay, alright, if one Crazy Girl episode gives me this much insight and inspiration, I'm okay with them happening occasionally. Just maybe, though, could they possibly stop happening when I really don't have time to rock back and forth in the shower, sobbing over love's labour lost?
~ note to myself, January 16, 2011, after writing madly through the pain for an hour...
There is value in that pain. It has sparked a lot of inspiration for me to write. And, this is okay. But, there is so much pain in the world outside of my own self and my pain that I wish I was writing about instead.
The pain has been extinguished. I sit, emotionless in reaction to any more news. I don't look for any more news. My eyes are on other people, including me - my own self. And there is less pain there. I may be a bit guarded, but that's ok for now. I have lived in a bubble before. I became who I am today because of that bubble. This bubble is a bit more fluid...but it will protect me just as much, I hope...
If not, though, what's wrong with that? It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Soul Mates, Fate, and Breaking The Tie
Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. Wait til you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries - you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."
"...I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ..."
~ Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love
Within the first passage, I was hooked. Who was this woman with such a familiar voice? Her story wasn't mine, but it was like reading my own work, my own insight into life. (So modest of myself, I know, to compare my inner writing voice to that of an American autobio bestseller. Ah, well, if I've learned anything this year it's that confidence oversells modesty everyday.) And so it was that I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love religiously every night for the last two weeks. I've been cherishing it like I haven't cherished a book in years...
As a young reader, it would be nothing for me to be hooked on a book like this. I read everything like it was speaking directly to me. Since I read so much, I was an above average writer for my years, and so it began - this dream to be a writer, professionally. Somehow, though, I'm only beginning to hit that path at anything more than a strolling pace. Why was I so sluggish before? Gaining life experience? Trying to make money? Paying off debt? Not believing in myself? Terrified of the rejection to come before the success? Terrified of the pressure of success?
My life has happened this way for a reason. I may not know, in the moment or even a week from the moment, why something unfolds the way it does, but I trust that it is happening exactly as it should...
This summer, I fell in love. These were never words I shared with him, nor words - based on how he left things, and the feelings I have for him now - he ever needs to hear from me. Why is it that I fall so quickly for not just this last guy, but every guy in my past? I used to think it was because I was searching so desperately for love that I would pass it on to whoever might possibly be interested. Was that the lesson I was meant to learn? Yes, from the men before...but this one has sent me on a path of self-discovery so profound that I know there was more to it than that simple (yet very difficult) lesson I see so many women struggle their whole lives to realize.
My last grandparent died this summer. As I've mentioned before, the employer I had at the time did not handle it AT ALL well. But this was not a negative thing. My grandmother had suffered from frontal lobe dimentia for years, and I look at her passing as a release from the torture of her disease, rather than the loss of a loved one. She is with us more now than she has been for years.
I do not have a traditional understanding of religion. I cannot honestly tell you that I believe one solitary power looks after us all and has a plan for everything that happens. My understanding of what some people may call God is much more elaborate than that. In the past, I have explained my God as the first grandparent who passed away, my maternal grandmother. When I have come across a stroke of luck, or been saved from imminent danger, I have told myself and those close to me that it was my "Guardian Angel," my grandmother, who gave me so many things to be thankful for.
With the passing of my paternal grandmother, I now have two Guardian Angels looking down on me. They come from two different upbringings, but both had so much love in their hearts, that their duties as Guardian Angels are easily split between all of their offspring. In this time - on one of my most ardent spiritual journeys - I feel so blessed to have both of them for company. Janet's quilt is kept close, and Marjorie's words fill my head on the days I need them the most. They are both the role models I need now.
A month and a half after her death, Janet sent a helper my way. He may have been a soul mate, as Gilbert has described it above. He told me to do nothing of the decisions I was making with my life, which was best. Yes, I am adamant in this fact, if only because I had that part criticized most by the people who love me so much and watched me, terrified, through all of these changes. I rejected any actual advice he ever provided me as arrogant prattle coming from a trainer's mouth. Every decision I made to change my life at that time came from inside. I took the energy I got get from him and worked with it to inspire a life plan - or lack thereof - that I had dreamed of for years. And I'm living that life now. And isn't it great? I love the moment I am in now. He was, as my dear friend described him, a catalyst for the changes that needed to be made.
He was passionate; he loved life; I brought great joy into his; he gave me a list of reasons to love myself more with; and then he left. To be fair, I had left first, but his leave was more permanent. There was no "goodbye;" there was no guidance on how we could make this work; there was no effort on his part to actual try to make it work...
I thought I had failed. I thought it was all my fault. I believed all those dating books I had ever read and figured I had pushed too much, or exposed my feelings too quickly, or scared him away with the pressure of being exactly who I am... But that's a load of bullocks! He was the one who talked about the "future." He brought up the fact that his grandparents were married three weeks after they met one another. He even admitted to thinking about me all day when we barely knew one another. I had this feeling that he would be in my life for a few months, and this talk terrified me a bit...as did me feelings...
He is in my life for only a few months. This is it. Tonight I cut all ties to him - figuratively and mentally. (This weekend, I came across a video on meditation that I will follow through with tonight. I'll include the link to it in this post, in case any readers need to get rid of bad energy as well. ) Tonight I confirmed that he has moved on - engaged to somebody again, already - and thinks of me as nothing more than a pearl on the "string of women" he once described the people he had dated. It was fun. It was crazy. It was passion. And he was a good person. Sadly, we share too much of the same music as favourites. Time and experience, though, have taught me that that's all he is. I'll hear Buble's hit from last summer and now always think of him...and cry, maybe, but that's ok. Why stay stuck in the past if it only makes you cry out in pain? I'll change my iPod instead...
Marjorie took him away. The day he told me of his "great opportunity," I knew we needed to slow things down. I knew I needed to regain some sense of myself. Marj saw this, too, and she gave me an out. It would have been worse if it had lasted longer. These things always are. If it had piddled out and died from over-watering, I would have wasted more time in recovery, I'm sure. As it is, I feel I've spent too long in this place. I've wasted my energy mourning something that I've been bigger than this entire time. Waiting to get the closure from him that would have meant something more than the silence I heard over the phone, I know it doesn't work that way. It was over the moment I got that call on the lrt. The moment I made the choice to be myself - spending time with my BFF instead - was the moment Marjorie began to cut the cord. Now it's my turn to finish snipping...
He was "a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. ...probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful..."
The link to the vlog on cord-cutting:
http://gabbyb.tv/vlogging/vlog-cord-cutting
"...I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ..."
~ Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love
Within the first passage, I was hooked. Who was this woman with such a familiar voice? Her story wasn't mine, but it was like reading my own work, my own insight into life. (So modest of myself, I know, to compare my inner writing voice to that of an American autobio bestseller. Ah, well, if I've learned anything this year it's that confidence oversells modesty everyday.) And so it was that I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love religiously every night for the last two weeks. I've been cherishing it like I haven't cherished a book in years...
As a young reader, it would be nothing for me to be hooked on a book like this. I read everything like it was speaking directly to me. Since I read so much, I was an above average writer for my years, and so it began - this dream to be a writer, professionally. Somehow, though, I'm only beginning to hit that path at anything more than a strolling pace. Why was I so sluggish before? Gaining life experience? Trying to make money? Paying off debt? Not believing in myself? Terrified of the rejection to come before the success? Terrified of the pressure of success?
My life has happened this way for a reason. I may not know, in the moment or even a week from the moment, why something unfolds the way it does, but I trust that it is happening exactly as it should...
This summer, I fell in love. These were never words I shared with him, nor words - based on how he left things, and the feelings I have for him now - he ever needs to hear from me. Why is it that I fall so quickly for not just this last guy, but every guy in my past? I used to think it was because I was searching so desperately for love that I would pass it on to whoever might possibly be interested. Was that the lesson I was meant to learn? Yes, from the men before...but this one has sent me on a path of self-discovery so profound that I know there was more to it than that simple (yet very difficult) lesson I see so many women struggle their whole lives to realize.
My last grandparent died this summer. As I've mentioned before, the employer I had at the time did not handle it AT ALL well. But this was not a negative thing. My grandmother had suffered from frontal lobe dimentia for years, and I look at her passing as a release from the torture of her disease, rather than the loss of a loved one. She is with us more now than she has been for years.
I do not have a traditional understanding of religion. I cannot honestly tell you that I believe one solitary power looks after us all and has a plan for everything that happens. My understanding of what some people may call God is much more elaborate than that. In the past, I have explained my God as the first grandparent who passed away, my maternal grandmother. When I have come across a stroke of luck, or been saved from imminent danger, I have told myself and those close to me that it was my "Guardian Angel," my grandmother, who gave me so many things to be thankful for.
With the passing of my paternal grandmother, I now have two Guardian Angels looking down on me. They come from two different upbringings, but both had so much love in their hearts, that their duties as Guardian Angels are easily split between all of their offspring. In this time - on one of my most ardent spiritual journeys - I feel so blessed to have both of them for company. Janet's quilt is kept close, and Marjorie's words fill my head on the days I need them the most. They are both the role models I need now.
A month and a half after her death, Janet sent a helper my way. He may have been a soul mate, as Gilbert has described it above. He told me to do nothing of the decisions I was making with my life, which was best. Yes, I am adamant in this fact, if only because I had that part criticized most by the people who love me so much and watched me, terrified, through all of these changes. I rejected any actual advice he ever provided me as arrogant prattle coming from a trainer's mouth. Every decision I made to change my life at that time came from inside. I took the energy I got get from him and worked with it to inspire a life plan - or lack thereof - that I had dreamed of for years. And I'm living that life now. And isn't it great? I love the moment I am in now. He was, as my dear friend described him, a catalyst for the changes that needed to be made.
He was passionate; he loved life; I brought great joy into his; he gave me a list of reasons to love myself more with; and then he left. To be fair, I had left first, but his leave was more permanent. There was no "goodbye;" there was no guidance on how we could make this work; there was no effort on his part to actual try to make it work...
I thought I had failed. I thought it was all my fault. I believed all those dating books I had ever read and figured I had pushed too much, or exposed my feelings too quickly, or scared him away with the pressure of being exactly who I am... But that's a load of bullocks! He was the one who talked about the "future." He brought up the fact that his grandparents were married three weeks after they met one another. He even admitted to thinking about me all day when we barely knew one another. I had this feeling that he would be in my life for a few months, and this talk terrified me a bit...as did me feelings...
He is in my life for only a few months. This is it. Tonight I cut all ties to him - figuratively and mentally. (This weekend, I came across a video on meditation that I will follow through with tonight. I'll include the link to it in this post, in case any readers need to get rid of bad energy as well. ) Tonight I confirmed that he has moved on - engaged to somebody again, already - and thinks of me as nothing more than a pearl on the "string of women" he once described the people he had dated. It was fun. It was crazy. It was passion. And he was a good person. Sadly, we share too much of the same music as favourites. Time and experience, though, have taught me that that's all he is. I'll hear Buble's hit from last summer and now always think of him...and cry, maybe, but that's ok. Why stay stuck in the past if it only makes you cry out in pain? I'll change my iPod instead...
Marjorie took him away. The day he told me of his "great opportunity," I knew we needed to slow things down. I knew I needed to regain some sense of myself. Marj saw this, too, and she gave me an out. It would have been worse if it had lasted longer. These things always are. If it had piddled out and died from over-watering, I would have wasted more time in recovery, I'm sure. As it is, I feel I've spent too long in this place. I've wasted my energy mourning something that I've been bigger than this entire time. Waiting to get the closure from him that would have meant something more than the silence I heard over the phone, I know it doesn't work that way. It was over the moment I got that call on the lrt. The moment I made the choice to be myself - spending time with my BFF instead - was the moment Marjorie began to cut the cord. Now it's my turn to finish snipping...
He was "a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. ...probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful..."
The link to the vlog on cord-cutting:
http://gabbyb.tv/vlogging/vlog-cord-cutting
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
It Gets Better (Part Two)
The original campaign, and my previous point about this phrase was that life only improves as we get older. As we age, we become wiser, we appreciate things more, and life is rarely as difficult as high school. Well, life is generally more difficult than high school, but people and our emotions tend to become more manageable...
I had a bigger point to make, though, and I've waited almost a week to finish making it.
I have a friend who is faced with a difficult romantic decision. For the entirety of our relationship, she has wanted to fall in love. She has had numerous suitors, and a handful of crushes, but nothing as serious as the situation she finds herself in now. At this moment, she is dating two different men, and is concerned about which one, if either, to continue dating. I've heard the pros and cons of both, and privately given her my opinion; and I've also given her the advice of "it gets better"...
Romantic "It Gets Better"
On average, we all (not just women) have this ideal in our minds of who are perfect match is. As we meet a potential new mate, we weigh them against the list we have in our mind of what it is we are looking for. For some people, the suitor should have an idea of where they're going in life, perhaps be able to drive, or make x amount or more every year. Other times, it is more about what the person does not have: no children, no pets, no body fat, no debt, etc. And, on average, we all need to find the other person attractive: dashing eyes, cute smile, firm butt, toned arms, etc. The criteria changes for every person, luckily, and so it should work out that eventually, one day you will find somebody that has you described on their list and they will fit the person you have on your list, too.
This is where I think online dating sites may have ruined the dating game forever, or at least for some people. You log onto the site, you put in your list and you generally find five or six people who fit eighty percent of what you're looking for. Before even meeting them, they're discarded, though, because that twenty percent is the most important part. Now, don't get me wrong, I know many people who have found the love of their life on dating sites, and I think it's nice to have another way of meeting people. And, I shouldn't blame online dating sites entirely. I think, even without them, we would have these impossible lists for our suitors to match. Listing off everything you're looking for and not finding it is extremely disappointing.
I've discarded my list. Friends and family describe my ideal mate to me, and that's fine. As for me, right now, I'm preferring to drift along, without a list to compare any potential suitors to. My theory is that when it's right, it'll be right and he won't have to meet all the requirements that I created before I met him. Who I am changes over time, and that goes along with what I like as well...and if who I am only improves, what I like will only get better, too.
Consoling my last broken heart, a dear friend used the "It Gets Better" line to me. "The next one will be even better...and if he isn't, than it's not worth sticking with." I liked that thought. If, in your new relationship, you're still thinking about the old one, then the new person is probably not any better, and you should move on.
Taking this concept, I gave advice to me friend faced with this certain dilemna. Both of her suitors possess the same number of positive qualities on her list, but neither of them meet all of them. So, I told her to jump in, have fun, and be willing to get hurt. At some point, she'll know which one to chose, and he might break her heart. That's ok, though, because the next suitor will be even better. It only gets better...
Plus, we're only in our twenties. There is only a certain amount of years where it is acceptable to date for fun. We might find the love of our life right away, but it is WAY too early to be stressing about meeting the person we will spend the rest of our life with at this point. Right now, we should be kissing a few frogs; it will make the prince that much better ;-)
I had a bigger point to make, though, and I've waited almost a week to finish making it.
I have a friend who is faced with a difficult romantic decision. For the entirety of our relationship, she has wanted to fall in love. She has had numerous suitors, and a handful of crushes, but nothing as serious as the situation she finds herself in now. At this moment, she is dating two different men, and is concerned about which one, if either, to continue dating. I've heard the pros and cons of both, and privately given her my opinion; and I've also given her the advice of "it gets better"...
Romantic "It Gets Better"
On average, we all (not just women) have this ideal in our minds of who are perfect match is. As we meet a potential new mate, we weigh them against the list we have in our mind of what it is we are looking for. For some people, the suitor should have an idea of where they're going in life, perhaps be able to drive, or make x amount or more every year. Other times, it is more about what the person does not have: no children, no pets, no body fat, no debt, etc. And, on average, we all need to find the other person attractive: dashing eyes, cute smile, firm butt, toned arms, etc. The criteria changes for every person, luckily, and so it should work out that eventually, one day you will find somebody that has you described on their list and they will fit the person you have on your list, too.
This is where I think online dating sites may have ruined the dating game forever, or at least for some people. You log onto the site, you put in your list and you generally find five or six people who fit eighty percent of what you're looking for. Before even meeting them, they're discarded, though, because that twenty percent is the most important part. Now, don't get me wrong, I know many people who have found the love of their life on dating sites, and I think it's nice to have another way of meeting people. And, I shouldn't blame online dating sites entirely. I think, even without them, we would have these impossible lists for our suitors to match. Listing off everything you're looking for and not finding it is extremely disappointing.
I've discarded my list. Friends and family describe my ideal mate to me, and that's fine. As for me, right now, I'm preferring to drift along, without a list to compare any potential suitors to. My theory is that when it's right, it'll be right and he won't have to meet all the requirements that I created before I met him. Who I am changes over time, and that goes along with what I like as well...and if who I am only improves, what I like will only get better, too.
Consoling my last broken heart, a dear friend used the "It Gets Better" line to me. "The next one will be even better...and if he isn't, than it's not worth sticking with." I liked that thought. If, in your new relationship, you're still thinking about the old one, then the new person is probably not any better, and you should move on.
Taking this concept, I gave advice to me friend faced with this certain dilemna. Both of her suitors possess the same number of positive qualities on her list, but neither of them meet all of them. So, I told her to jump in, have fun, and be willing to get hurt. At some point, she'll know which one to chose, and he might break her heart. That's ok, though, because the next suitor will be even better. It only gets better...
Plus, we're only in our twenties. There is only a certain amount of years where it is acceptable to date for fun. We might find the love of our life right away, but it is WAY too early to be stressing about meeting the person we will spend the rest of our life with at this point. Right now, we should be kissing a few frogs; it will make the prince that much better ;-)
Monday, 13 December 2010
Breaking Hearts
With red eyes, she quietly whispered confessions of a broken heart.
Part of 'figuring this whole thing out' is getting your heart stomped on a few times. This process does not always require the involvement of other people, but the healing process normally involves blaming them...
"you give until you've given up and you are sure to find the perfect man"
A few nights ago I was talking about my romantic past. "I've had my heart broken a few times," I admitted, "but I've never broken anybody's heart." The statement rolled out of my head, as many statements do, before I had ever consciously conceived the idea. And so began me analysis of it.
Have I really never broken somebody's heart? The first few times my heart was broken, I know that I was hurt while the other parties were left unharmed. I was young, and naive - without a layer of ice permanently surrounding my emotional centre. Like tumble weeds, those people blew out of my life, and I eventually got over it. But then came the bigger breaks...
The first time I may have broken somebody's heart is something I have refused to take ownership of. I was older, but no less naive...and my innocence hurt me more than he led on it hurting him. When it ended, I was sick, both physically and emotionally, and I've always blamed him for that. I've only recently began to forgive him for everything that's happened. And taken some responsibility for creating an environment where I could get hurt. The strangest thing is that we've both left a channel open for forgiveness to flow through. Which makes me wonder about his emotions...
I thrive on analyzing relationships, the behaviour of my peers and even their emotions. It fascinates me, and I also feel I have a lot to learn from others. Educated as a social scientist, I will never be able to turn the analysis off. A colleague told me the other day that the analysis makes life worse for me. Analyzing these things keeps it ever-present in my mind, which inevitably leads to me being attached and getting hurt.
This video is truly incredible and worth watching. If the video isn't working, go here:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wigqKfLWjvM
The last time my heart was broken, I was told to sever all ties with the individual involved in the breaking of it. "Don't agree to be friends," my good friend instructed me, "because no matter what happens, you'll always have this hope that the friendship will become something more than that." That hope, as I have learned, is toxic. Logically, it makes sense that this hope runs both ways. If I cling to a friendship wishing that it might one day become more than that, does it not make sense that the other individual is doing the same? Likewise, if I cling to the friendship because the hope of it makes the pain of the heartbreak less severe, could he not be suffering from the same pain?
Somewhere, somehow, Greg Bernhardt and many other romantic advisors to women are clasping their heads in agony. Has my broken heart - now mended and encased in ice for safe protection - still managed to turn me into a desperate woman looking for a man to love? Or, is it worse than that? Has my ego created this person who thinks her strength of love demands to be returned? Or, merely, have I become sympathetic enough to realize that those "jerks" out there who break my heart have feelings of their own?
This morning I woke up looking into the amber eyes of a male who will never break my heart. Well, at least until he passes away, which is merely a fact of life. It's the best relationship I've ever had, and it will last the length of his life. Not all love is romantic in nature. It's a bit like being a mother... In fact, I've been his surrogate mother since the day we met - and there's no Oedipal complex with that. We fight, we play, I care for him and he cuddles with me when I'm mending my broken heart. Maybe I am "that" lady, but it's ok. I have a lot of love to give...and Jito soaks all of it up, when he wants to.
And that may be the greatest lesson of love out there. You can't force it. Even when you find it, you can't cling to it. You can't control the breaking of a heart - whether it's yours or anybody else's. The only thing you ever control is yourself...and how you mend your emotional wounds...
Part of 'figuring this whole thing out' is getting your heart stomped on a few times. This process does not always require the involvement of other people, but the healing process normally involves blaming them...
"you give until you've given up and you are sure to find the perfect man"
A few nights ago I was talking about my romantic past. "I've had my heart broken a few times," I admitted, "but I've never broken anybody's heart." The statement rolled out of my head, as many statements do, before I had ever consciously conceived the idea. And so began me analysis of it.
Have I really never broken somebody's heart? The first few times my heart was broken, I know that I was hurt while the other parties were left unharmed. I was young, and naive - without a layer of ice permanently surrounding my emotional centre. Like tumble weeds, those people blew out of my life, and I eventually got over it. But then came the bigger breaks...
The first time I may have broken somebody's heart is something I have refused to take ownership of. I was older, but no less naive...and my innocence hurt me more than he led on it hurting him. When it ended, I was sick, both physically and emotionally, and I've always blamed him for that. I've only recently began to forgive him for everything that's happened. And taken some responsibility for creating an environment where I could get hurt. The strangest thing is that we've both left a channel open for forgiveness to flow through. Which makes me wonder about his emotions...
I thrive on analyzing relationships, the behaviour of my peers and even their emotions. It fascinates me, and I also feel I have a lot to learn from others. Educated as a social scientist, I will never be able to turn the analysis off. A colleague told me the other day that the analysis makes life worse for me. Analyzing these things keeps it ever-present in my mind, which inevitably leads to me being attached and getting hurt.
This video is truly incredible and worth watching. If the video isn't working, go here:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wigqKfLWjvM
The last time my heart was broken, I was told to sever all ties with the individual involved in the breaking of it. "Don't agree to be friends," my good friend instructed me, "because no matter what happens, you'll always have this hope that the friendship will become something more than that." That hope, as I have learned, is toxic. Logically, it makes sense that this hope runs both ways. If I cling to a friendship wishing that it might one day become more than that, does it not make sense that the other individual is doing the same? Likewise, if I cling to the friendship because the hope of it makes the pain of the heartbreak less severe, could he not be suffering from the same pain?
Somewhere, somehow, Greg Bernhardt and many other romantic advisors to women are clasping their heads in agony. Has my broken heart - now mended and encased in ice for safe protection - still managed to turn me into a desperate woman looking for a man to love? Or, is it worse than that? Has my ego created this person who thinks her strength of love demands to be returned? Or, merely, have I become sympathetic enough to realize that those "jerks" out there who break my heart have feelings of their own?
This morning I woke up looking into the amber eyes of a male who will never break my heart. Well, at least until he passes away, which is merely a fact of life. It's the best relationship I've ever had, and it will last the length of his life. Not all love is romantic in nature. It's a bit like being a mother... In fact, I've been his surrogate mother since the day we met - and there's no Oedipal complex with that. We fight, we play, I care for him and he cuddles with me when I'm mending my broken heart. Maybe I am "that" lady, but it's ok. I have a lot of love to give...and Jito soaks all of it up, when he wants to.
And that may be the greatest lesson of love out there. You can't force it. Even when you find it, you can't cling to it. You can't control the breaking of a heart - whether it's yours or anybody else's. The only thing you ever control is yourself...and how you mend your emotional wounds...
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