Thursday, 31 March 2011

Just One More Distraction...

This blog is supposed to be about finding one's self among the plethora of options available to our generation.  Of all the things that I am passionate about, which one am I meant to be doing?  Not necessarily which one will pay me to survive...but that does always help.

Somehow, though, my blog has become about love and romance.  I feel bad.  Romantic woes have become a distraction from my search for a living, like so many other things in my life.  I feel pressure to find my purpose.  To find my way. To work towards improving my financial situation through something that I am passionate about. ... until it hit me this morning.

Last fall, my last "begining," I fell into a relationship.  It allowed me to realize my path - the next chapter of my life - and I felt empowered to make drastic changes for my happiness, and my health.  Did he "complete" me?  No.  He inspired me.  He empowered me.  Knowing there was some one there who supported me however much I was about to screw up my life allowed me to let go of my fears, forget the "what if"s and start pouring my work ethic into something that I actually loved.

And then he broke my heart. ... Or I let my heart get broken, however you want to see it.

This week, I had lunch with an older, wiser friend.  I brought up the topic of relationships and my anger with this concept that women are brainwashed into needing to be "rescued" by love.  She shown a great light on this concept for me.  It's not that women aren't strong enough to save themselves, but they're so busy solving the day-to-day problems, taking care of life's smaller details and rescuing the children (or people in this state) that they can't rescue themselves.  This is why women desire somebody not to "rescue" them, but to protect them from the larger threats out there, such as bankruptcy, homelessness, or loneliness.  This is why we really don't want to go through life alone.

So, here I am.... following what I love without that one protective person beneath me, encouraging and supporting me to follow my dreams.  Instead, I have many people offering their words of encouragement, belief in the fact that I can do it, and room to let me make my mistakes, fumble around for a few months, few years, or however long this is going to take... By then, I'll probably be so toughened by the world, that I won't need the protection...but it might be nice to cuddle...

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