Wednesday, 17 November 2010
How To Be Alone
This post was originally supposed to be published on my music blog, www.edumusication.blogspot.com ; however, I am tired and did not select the right blog when sharing the link. Regardless, this artist is SOOOOOOOO good, I would like to include her on this blog as well.
Wow!
Tanya Davis' third album was released last week, and as it happens with indie Canadian artists who rock, her single was featured on CJSR's Top 30 List this morning. She is my artistic discovery for the day...and what a fabulous find!
This "song" borderlines on song. There is music, but it is merely the background. The song is spoken word, which often makes the best song anyways. For those who love lyrics, I'm sure you'll love this poet.
If I could draw this song, it would be a sun dollar...luckily for us all, a fellow artist created this video to go along with the song. Together, they have created a much better image than a sun dollar. This is why collaboration is important. But she's right...it is also important to know how to be alone...
Procrastination
“I am unworthy” creates procrastination
If one of my inner belief systems or thought patterns is, “I am unworthy,” then one of my outer thoughts will probably be procrastination. After all, procrastination is one way to keep us from getting where we say we want to go. Most people who procrastinate will spend a lot of time and energy berating themselves for procrastinating. They will call themselves lazy and generally will make themselves out to feel they are “bad persons.”
~ Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
I was recently empowered by an organization of positive people. It was the beginning of many positive experiences that I have had this month. I had just left my full time day job, was waiting on clients for my new self-directed business, and struggling to cope with stressful situations in my personal life. The seed to meet these people had begun three separate times in the last five months, and the third and final implantation was lucky enough to be germinating.
The seed that worked had been planted by a member of the past that was calling to me. He walked into my day job and presented me with the opportunity to go on this journey with him. Feeling the strength of my past calling to me, I welcomed the invitation. Within a few days, I met two new empowering people. They were interested only in knowing more about me: who I was, what I thought, and where I wanted to go with my life. Being a self reflective person – and in the midst of a cycle of self reflection and change – I listened to my inner voice and dreamed big. “Well, I’m going to change the world,” I told them honestly. “I’ve known this since high school and I’m slowly getting where I need to be in order to really do it. I’m a member of the vegan movement and I'm going to really push it forward, or at least be a part of the collaboration of people who are pushing it forward.”
The first sentence grabbed their attention but I don’t think they heard the rest of my explanation. Or, perhaps they chose not to hear it; or understand it.
The next people I met in the organization focused on those five words as well. I met them in my first week free from the day job. (Free is the best word to describe my feelings towards it.) Finally, I had opened my eyes up to the opportunities I had before me rather than the limitations. I was primed for my ability to change the world. As I met each new person, I performed my role with confidence. They asked, “Why are you here?” And I replied, “I’m here to change the world.” I was so confident because I believed in myself.
Within a week and a half, I had gone from ‘going to’ to ‘here to.’ The only thing missing was action...
There are many things in my life that I am ‘going to’ do. I am going to:
• Spend time volunteering in an animal sanctuary in Thailand
• Open a vegan restaurant
• Travel to India
• Live with a dog as a fellow companion
• Maintain a healthy weight
• Finish writing a novel
• Finish writing my autobiography
• Fully commit to veganism
• Travel the world
• Etc.
Having this list, I have realized, is not actually helping me get any closer to accomplishing the things on it that I really want accomplished. In fact, I think this list may hamper my ability to get anything done as I feel there is always so much that needs to be done.
When I begin to focus on any one of these things, I do not feel it is “enough.” As I focus, I realize how much more is left to do, rather than focusing on what I am doing. I begin to feel overwhelmed, and, instead of taking each day as it comes and feeling proud of how far I have come, I look forward and feel ashamed that I have not done more to have accomplished more today, this week, or with my life.
That is one negative thought process that is holding me back from success. In one way, I will look back at my life – at the “lessons” that I learned – and feel like all I do is make mistakes. Then, in another way, I look forward at what I still need to learn and feel stunted by how much farther I need to go. I do not always do these things, but I know that when I am procrastinating the most, these are the two thought processes competing in my mind. Instead of doing anything, I stop doing everything and shut down.
The organization of positive people did not turn out to be for me. As I reflected on the situation, I realized that they had missed my initial statement – “I am going to be a part of the collaboration of the vegan movement that will change the world” – and, in turn, missed the fact that veganism would conflict with the principles of the organization. It did sound like a good vehicle to change the world, but it was not my vehicle. I ride a bicycle, I will NEVER drive a hummer. :-D
A few more days of self reflection and I realized this. But, I did not toss the organization out completely. I understood that it had come into my life for a reason. I think everything comes into our life for a reason. Many things that I would otherwise consider a regret, I look back on as “lessons learned.”
Since this organization came to me three times in the past six months, I understand that it was necessary for me to at least peek down the rabbit hole. I peeked, I struggled with the pieces of appropriate cake, and I jumped back out before I began to try the different doors. It’s ok, I took a peek in the doors and realized that what I was looking for within the rabbit hole, I could find outside of the rabbit hole too. And outside of the rabbit hole, I wouldn’t have to eat the cake. You see, all that cake was NOT VEGAN!
Now I look at the organization’s presence in my life as a catalyst. They picked up on my desire to get out of the day job and start working for myself, but they were not the answer. The positivity encouraged me when I needed it the most – when the other catalysts were failing – and it bumped me into the right vehicle: veganism. When I jumped out of the hummer, though, I learned the most valuable lesson. I can’t do this thing with a support network teaching me how. That’s not who I am. Yes, I need positivity, but I’m also a very independent person (one of the reasons the other catalyst was failing). In order for my vehicle to get me to my dream, I needed to work on me, trust in myself and support myself along the journey.
That is what I’m doing now. I’m starting with the thoughts. It’s the easiest task to begin with. Since I am always thinking, I may as well be thinking about how capable I am of doing this myself. There is the self reflective syndrome, though, that comes with the constant self evaluation. It is not criticism - as I tell myself that I am exactly as I am meant to be at this very moment - but it is a process of understanding how and why I am holding myself back from success. Why have I held myself back for the last three and a half years, or even the last twenty five?
Procrastination is something that comes up time and time again in my self reflection. I have tried to cure it in the past with scheduling my tasks. I write out lists that never get done. I set unreasonable expectations for what I can get done in my downtime and then feel guilty about not allowing myself to relax. But, that’s ok. Those were necessary actions for me to take in the past, perhaps so that I would have the strength now to overcome them.
If one of my inner belief systems or thought patterns is, “I am unworthy,” then one of my outer thoughts will probably be procrastination. After all, procrastination is one way to keep us from getting where we say we want to go. Most people who procrastinate will spend a lot of time and energy berating themselves for procrastinating. They will call themselves lazy and generally will make themselves out to feel they are “bad persons.”
~ Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
I was recently empowered by an organization of positive people. It was the beginning of many positive experiences that I have had this month. I had just left my full time day job, was waiting on clients for my new self-directed business, and struggling to cope with stressful situations in my personal life. The seed to meet these people had begun three separate times in the last five months, and the third and final implantation was lucky enough to be germinating.
The seed that worked had been planted by a member of the past that was calling to me. He walked into my day job and presented me with the opportunity to go on this journey with him. Feeling the strength of my past calling to me, I welcomed the invitation. Within a few days, I met two new empowering people. They were interested only in knowing more about me: who I was, what I thought, and where I wanted to go with my life. Being a self reflective person – and in the midst of a cycle of self reflection and change – I listened to my inner voice and dreamed big. “Well, I’m going to change the world,” I told them honestly. “I’ve known this since high school and I’m slowly getting where I need to be in order to really do it. I’m a member of the vegan movement and I'm going to really push it forward, or at least be a part of the collaboration of people who are pushing it forward.”
The first sentence grabbed their attention but I don’t think they heard the rest of my explanation. Or, perhaps they chose not to hear it; or understand it.
The next people I met in the organization focused on those five words as well. I met them in my first week free from the day job. (Free is the best word to describe my feelings towards it.) Finally, I had opened my eyes up to the opportunities I had before me rather than the limitations. I was primed for my ability to change the world. As I met each new person, I performed my role with confidence. They asked, “Why are you here?” And I replied, “I’m here to change the world.” I was so confident because I believed in myself.
Within a week and a half, I had gone from ‘going to’ to ‘here to.’ The only thing missing was action...
There are many things in my life that I am ‘going to’ do. I am going to:
• Spend time volunteering in an animal sanctuary in Thailand
• Open a vegan restaurant
• Travel to India
• Live with a dog as a fellow companion
• Maintain a healthy weight
• Finish writing a novel
• Finish writing my autobiography
• Fully commit to veganism
• Travel the world
• Etc.
Having this list, I have realized, is not actually helping me get any closer to accomplishing the things on it that I really want accomplished. In fact, I think this list may hamper my ability to get anything done as I feel there is always so much that needs to be done.
When I begin to focus on any one of these things, I do not feel it is “enough.” As I focus, I realize how much more is left to do, rather than focusing on what I am doing. I begin to feel overwhelmed, and, instead of taking each day as it comes and feeling proud of how far I have come, I look forward and feel ashamed that I have not done more to have accomplished more today, this week, or with my life.
That is one negative thought process that is holding me back from success. In one way, I will look back at my life – at the “lessons” that I learned – and feel like all I do is make mistakes. Then, in another way, I look forward at what I still need to learn and feel stunted by how much farther I need to go. I do not always do these things, but I know that when I am procrastinating the most, these are the two thought processes competing in my mind. Instead of doing anything, I stop doing everything and shut down.
The organization of positive people did not turn out to be for me. As I reflected on the situation, I realized that they had missed my initial statement – “I am going to be a part of the collaboration of the vegan movement that will change the world” – and, in turn, missed the fact that veganism would conflict with the principles of the organization. It did sound like a good vehicle to change the world, but it was not my vehicle. I ride a bicycle, I will NEVER drive a hummer. :-D
A few more days of self reflection and I realized this. But, I did not toss the organization out completely. I understood that it had come into my life for a reason. I think everything comes into our life for a reason. Many things that I would otherwise consider a regret, I look back on as “lessons learned.”
Since this organization came to me three times in the past six months, I understand that it was necessary for me to at least peek down the rabbit hole. I peeked, I struggled with the pieces of appropriate cake, and I jumped back out before I began to try the different doors. It’s ok, I took a peek in the doors and realized that what I was looking for within the rabbit hole, I could find outside of the rabbit hole too. And outside of the rabbit hole, I wouldn’t have to eat the cake. You see, all that cake was NOT VEGAN!
Now I look at the organization’s presence in my life as a catalyst. They picked up on my desire to get out of the day job and start working for myself, but they were not the answer. The positivity encouraged me when I needed it the most – when the other catalysts were failing – and it bumped me into the right vehicle: veganism. When I jumped out of the hummer, though, I learned the most valuable lesson. I can’t do this thing with a support network teaching me how. That’s not who I am. Yes, I need positivity, but I’m also a very independent person (one of the reasons the other catalyst was failing). In order for my vehicle to get me to my dream, I needed to work on me, trust in myself and support myself along the journey.
That is what I’m doing now. I’m starting with the thoughts. It’s the easiest task to begin with. Since I am always thinking, I may as well be thinking about how capable I am of doing this myself. There is the self reflective syndrome, though, that comes with the constant self evaluation. It is not criticism - as I tell myself that I am exactly as I am meant to be at this very moment - but it is a process of understanding how and why I am holding myself back from success. Why have I held myself back for the last three and a half years, or even the last twenty five?
Procrastination is something that comes up time and time again in my self reflection. I have tried to cure it in the past with scheduling my tasks. I write out lists that never get done. I set unreasonable expectations for what I can get done in my downtime and then feel guilty about not allowing myself to relax. But, that’s ok. Those were necessary actions for me to take in the past, perhaps so that I would have the strength now to overcome them.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Law of Attraction
Mantras, meditation, visualization, confidence, mind over matter, the power of your subconscious mind...
2010 is a watershed year for me. This is the year that I learned how to create my own success. It began with my mom suggesting I read a book of hers. She told me that it hadn't been completely successful for her, but she would return to it frequently and found that when she did, things began to improve once again. Having nothing to lose and everything to gain, I picked it up...and it began to transform my life.
Everything in it finally made sense. My spirit was ready to accept what the book had to offer as truth. I was ready to begin to change my life. I just had to put in the hard work in order to get there.
It began with weight loss. For over half of my life, I have tried to lose weight. I have never focussed on it before, but always wished I could do it. Of course, there were always more excuses than reasons to do it, which is always the path to failure. This spring, though, I was ready for it.
There was initial resistance. I remember the week my sisters began WeightWatchers. I thought, meh, that might work for them, but I'm a vegan, it will conflict with my diet. And then I though, ah, geez, it costs money to join too, well, I can't afford that. My success in joining the program I blame on my sister whose idea it was all along.
They never even asked me to join them initially, but we were all still living together, so I was coming to understand that our entire diet was about to change. Then, after their first weigh in, my middle sister showed me the vegetarian options they had in the first book, and how easy it was to figure out the point system for a vegan diet as well. Man, without cheese, I thought, it will be easy to stick to my daily points level.
Then, they talked about the activity points. Well, with biking to and from work every day, I was bound to get all of my extra points for the week. This might work... or, well, I had everything to gain and only weight to lose.
And I began to - immediately. I lost eight pounds in the first week. Four in the next two weeks, and then I began to slow down to a mere two pounds every week. The initial success spurred me on. It began to show in my face first, and then my clothes became baggier and baggier. I began to believe in myself. I knew this was how I was going to finally do it. I was finally going to be the "healthy / appropriately weighted" woman I saw myself as in my head.
As spring dawned, I started buying skirts, and running in the river valley that I had moved next to. Summer was time for me to show off my hard work, and I beamed with the self confidence that making such a healthy change in my life brought along with it. I was more and more the person that I saw inside of myself. I was no longer a fat slob, but a blossoming, beautiful young woman ready to take on the world.
Then, disaster struck. I hit a rut, and had numerous personal issues crop up. Family members were sick, and my last grandparent passed away. I lost sight of my goals and the weight loss stopped. This week, I sit perilously close to going past a number on the scale that I SWORE I would never get to again. And, so, my soul has been leading me to the inspiration I need to get through this disaster, learn from it and move on.
Some may scorn the "self help" section, but I've always had a fascination with it. Yes, of course, when I have felt social pressure to joke about it, I have. But, more and more, this fall I have had people encouraging me to return to it. I didn't think I needed it. I was doing well, wasn't it. I was happy. I was making plans for my future. I had the confidence to take on whatever life could deal me.
"Self help" is less about being down on the ground and needing a hand out of rock bottom and more about self improvement. And who doesn't need self improvement? Yes, we are all perfect at any given moment, but what is life we aren't constantly improving that perfection? Or, well, that's the perfectionist in me talking ;-) No, that's actually not right. We aren't perfect. And maybe we won't be. But that's just a problem with the word "perfect." We are exactly as we are meant to be, but the future will be even better. Not to say that the past had anything wrong with it. but, well, now I'm just running in circles... The only thing that is constant is change, and isn't best if that change is something we want to happen to us?
This is the year I learn how to not run in circles. This is the year that I learn that the thoughts I put out into the universe are the actions that I will have come back to me. This is the year that I convince my subconscious that I may not be perfect, but I'm still worthy of the potential all those teachers told me I had. I still have that potential, but....
Last winter, I came across this ad from Nike that inspired me. I ripped it out of the magazine and posted it to my bedroom wall. I'm not sure where it is right now, but its message was ingrained in my head:
If all I am is potential, I'm not working hard enough am I?
So, my mantra will become that...but in a positive matter.
I am more than potentail. I work hard to fill that potential.
So, with less than two months left, I am ready to change my life this year. Yes, there have been challenges, but those were just lessons I needed to go through before I realized my strength. I am strong. I am strength. I am more powerful than I ever imagined. And I will change the world. :-D
And last week I had a sign from beyond that told me my last grandparent was there, making sure I took the right path. Death is much easier to face when you know that your time with that person doesn't end when they leave. They're always with you after their physical body no longer holds them away from you. It's an amazing thing to realize, and I'm glad I've met the right people who have helped me come to that realization.
If interested, here are some books to read:
The Power of Your Subconscious Mind ~ Joseph Murphy
The Secret ~ Rhonda Byrne
You Can Heal Your Life ~ Louise Hay
2010 is a watershed year for me. This is the year that I learned how to create my own success. It began with my mom suggesting I read a book of hers. She told me that it hadn't been completely successful for her, but she would return to it frequently and found that when she did, things began to improve once again. Having nothing to lose and everything to gain, I picked it up...and it began to transform my life.
Everything in it finally made sense. My spirit was ready to accept what the book had to offer as truth. I was ready to begin to change my life. I just had to put in the hard work in order to get there.
It began with weight loss. For over half of my life, I have tried to lose weight. I have never focussed on it before, but always wished I could do it. Of course, there were always more excuses than reasons to do it, which is always the path to failure. This spring, though, I was ready for it.
There was initial resistance. I remember the week my sisters began WeightWatchers. I thought, meh, that might work for them, but I'm a vegan, it will conflict with my diet. And then I though, ah, geez, it costs money to join too, well, I can't afford that. My success in joining the program I blame on my sister whose idea it was all along.
They never even asked me to join them initially, but we were all still living together, so I was coming to understand that our entire diet was about to change. Then, after their first weigh in, my middle sister showed me the vegetarian options they had in the first book, and how easy it was to figure out the point system for a vegan diet as well. Man, without cheese, I thought, it will be easy to stick to my daily points level.
Then, they talked about the activity points. Well, with biking to and from work every day, I was bound to get all of my extra points for the week. This might work... or, well, I had everything to gain and only weight to lose.
And I began to - immediately. I lost eight pounds in the first week. Four in the next two weeks, and then I began to slow down to a mere two pounds every week. The initial success spurred me on. It began to show in my face first, and then my clothes became baggier and baggier. I began to believe in myself. I knew this was how I was going to finally do it. I was finally going to be the "healthy / appropriately weighted" woman I saw myself as in my head.
As spring dawned, I started buying skirts, and running in the river valley that I had moved next to. Summer was time for me to show off my hard work, and I beamed with the self confidence that making such a healthy change in my life brought along with it. I was more and more the person that I saw inside of myself. I was no longer a fat slob, but a blossoming, beautiful young woman ready to take on the world.
Then, disaster struck. I hit a rut, and had numerous personal issues crop up. Family members were sick, and my last grandparent passed away. I lost sight of my goals and the weight loss stopped. This week, I sit perilously close to going past a number on the scale that I SWORE I would never get to again. And, so, my soul has been leading me to the inspiration I need to get through this disaster, learn from it and move on.
Some may scorn the "self help" section, but I've always had a fascination with it. Yes, of course, when I have felt social pressure to joke about it, I have. But, more and more, this fall I have had people encouraging me to return to it. I didn't think I needed it. I was doing well, wasn't it. I was happy. I was making plans for my future. I had the confidence to take on whatever life could deal me.
"Self help" is less about being down on the ground and needing a hand out of rock bottom and more about self improvement. And who doesn't need self improvement? Yes, we are all perfect at any given moment, but what is life we aren't constantly improving that perfection? Or, well, that's the perfectionist in me talking ;-) No, that's actually not right. We aren't perfect. And maybe we won't be. But that's just a problem with the word "perfect." We are exactly as we are meant to be, but the future will be even better. Not to say that the past had anything wrong with it. but, well, now I'm just running in circles... The only thing that is constant is change, and isn't best if that change is something we want to happen to us?
This is the year I learn how to not run in circles. This is the year that I learn that the thoughts I put out into the universe are the actions that I will have come back to me. This is the year that I convince my subconscious that I may not be perfect, but I'm still worthy of the potential all those teachers told me I had. I still have that potential, but....
Last winter, I came across this ad from Nike that inspired me. I ripped it out of the magazine and posted it to my bedroom wall. I'm not sure where it is right now, but its message was ingrained in my head:
If all I am is potential, I'm not working hard enough am I?
So, my mantra will become that...but in a positive matter.
I am more than potentail. I work hard to fill that potential.
So, with less than two months left, I am ready to change my life this year. Yes, there have been challenges, but those were just lessons I needed to go through before I realized my strength. I am strong. I am strength. I am more powerful than I ever imagined. And I will change the world. :-D
And last week I had a sign from beyond that told me my last grandparent was there, making sure I took the right path. Death is much easier to face when you know that your time with that person doesn't end when they leave. They're always with you after their physical body no longer holds them away from you. It's an amazing thing to realize, and I'm glad I've met the right people who have helped me come to that realization.
If interested, here are some books to read:
The Power of Your Subconscious Mind ~ Joseph Murphy
The Secret ~ Rhonda Byrne
You Can Heal Your Life ~ Louise Hay
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Spirituality and You
You are the kind of person, Jodi, who will always be asking that question. You will always be searching for the meaning of life.
~ Michelle MacNeill, spring 2007
Yesterday I had coffee with a new friend. I met her about four months ago through work. She had previously worked for the same company and I had to reverse some charges because things were not managed properly. I never asked at the time, but I was always curious about why she left. Regardless, there was a reason why we met and yesterday this reason began to come to light.
I may not be a religious person, but I am spiritual. We all are, we just don't recognize it.
There are rare moments and rare people that I will remember for the rest of my life. I believe this is one of them. I arrived late for our coffee date, and I apologised profusely. "Not use to this free schedule," was my excuse. (I later admitted that I was in the process of ending a relationship. Her response was that relationships never end. That's a topic for another posting, though...) She didn't mind. Her life is fairly open right now. And she is so at peace. We discussed that peace for the rest of the conversation. I was so inspired throughout the entire conversation that I knew the day would continue to shine.
I've had so many signs from the universe in the last six months. I need to follow them, and in less of a self-satisfying, immediate response. I'm inspired to invest more time in getting towards my goals. I feel like I've coasted along to this spot right here. It's been tough....but boring. I just existed. Now I need to work hard and get my act together. But, I can't push my soul to get there.
I watched this amazing interview of this man who proposes that our soul planned our life before we were born. Every challenge we face is a lesson our soul wanted to learn. These lessons exist on a timeline, but we are not predestined to follow one path. We have free will. If we learn our lesson before we were supposed to, another plan comes into play. I'm still digesting a lot of what the video had to teach me.
http://vimeo.com/14342894
I'll discuss this revelation in the next few days. In the meantime, I have to go volunteer. A treat for my soul! ;-)
~ Michelle MacNeill, spring 2007
Yesterday I had coffee with a new friend. I met her about four months ago through work. She had previously worked for the same company and I had to reverse some charges because things were not managed properly. I never asked at the time, but I was always curious about why she left. Regardless, there was a reason why we met and yesterday this reason began to come to light.
I may not be a religious person, but I am spiritual. We all are, we just don't recognize it.
There are rare moments and rare people that I will remember for the rest of my life. I believe this is one of them. I arrived late for our coffee date, and I apologised profusely. "Not use to this free schedule," was my excuse. (I later admitted that I was in the process of ending a relationship. Her response was that relationships never end. That's a topic for another posting, though...) She didn't mind. Her life is fairly open right now. And she is so at peace. We discussed that peace for the rest of the conversation. I was so inspired throughout the entire conversation that I knew the day would continue to shine.
I've had so many signs from the universe in the last six months. I need to follow them, and in less of a self-satisfying, immediate response. I'm inspired to invest more time in getting towards my goals. I feel like I've coasted along to this spot right here. It's been tough....but boring. I just existed. Now I need to work hard and get my act together. But, I can't push my soul to get there.
I watched this amazing interview of this man who proposes that our soul planned our life before we were born. Every challenge we face is a lesson our soul wanted to learn. These lessons exist on a timeline, but we are not predestined to follow one path. We have free will. If we learn our lesson before we were supposed to, another plan comes into play. I'm still digesting a lot of what the video had to teach me.
http://vimeo.com/14342894
I'll discuss this revelation in the next few days. In the meantime, I have to go volunteer. A treat for my soul! ;-)
Monday, 25 October 2010
Distractions
The mornings are the worst. And then there are the evenings...
It's ok. I'll be fine. It's been years since I've had a suicidal thought, so I know it's not that serious. It's just an emotion. And I'm human. I have emotions. They aren't all positive.
And I'm still functioning. If anything, I'm functioning even more. I'm more focussed. I'm writing more. I need to express this emotion. I need to express my thoughts. I need to get it out.
It will pass. I know it will. It might last a week or two, but it will pass. I'll pretend to be happy. For the people watching, I'll pretend that everything is fine. 'Cause it's easier than talking about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be reminded about it.
Distract me.
That's all I need.
Just distract me, please!
It's ok. I'll be fine. It's been years since I've had a suicidal thought, so I know it's not that serious. It's just an emotion. And I'm human. I have emotions. They aren't all positive.
And I'm still functioning. If anything, I'm functioning even more. I'm more focussed. I'm writing more. I need to express this emotion. I need to express my thoughts. I need to get it out.
It will pass. I know it will. It might last a week or two, but it will pass. I'll pretend to be happy. For the people watching, I'll pretend that everything is fine. 'Cause it's easier than talking about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be reminded about it.
Distract me.
That's all I need.
Just distract me, please!
Sunday, 24 October 2010
The Back-Pedalling of a Nazi Feminist
The first people who met me in Edmonton will always think of me as a feminist first, and then a person. Fresh out of university, I was still an idealist who thought Alberta's backwards ways would change, if only I preached more about equality. Three and a half years later, and I would argue the other side of that coin...
Has the province won? Have I become a redneck?
Shock and horror, I know!
Don't worry, though, I'm a cheatin' vegan. I think the first qualifier for becoming a redneck is your ability to rip the meat from a bone while it's still bleeding. Not that I have anything against people who like their steaks rare...
How did it happen? How did I calm down so much on this whole feminist thing?
I don't blame Alberta...I blame England!
I remember being so mad about the girls wearing skirts and the boys wearing shorts. And the fact that the girls were excellent at their sports, but the parents only really cared to go watch the boys' sports. It reminded me so much of our softball team and the first time my little feminist voice cried out for justice. That voice was never really heard, though. And I think she stopped speaking after awhile.
In England, I learned a lot about the real differences between boys and girls too. Most of this occurred when I was observing play time. I learned so many things from observing those kids! Even about social relationships. At that age, they were mostly figuring out how to make friends, and deal with society in general. The most violent boy was the most soft-spoken when we worked one-on-one. I think this was his reaction to finding himself within the society. Many of their games were expressions of their ideas about family life! Especially the girls. Children are sponges! It's amazing how they manipulate what happens at home into what happens during playtime. I thought that I gained much more insight into British life because of this. Children have very little filters. Perhaps I was misinterpretting a lot of it, but it was still extremely interesting...
After ten months of this, I accepted that there were major differences between men and women. Even if it is a mere social construct. Like wearing shorts, violence became a similarity among the boys. Building and playing with the trucks also became a boy activity. The girls played tag, and house, song-singing, and tattle-telling. If two boys were at odds with one another, they would often end up hurting one another physically. It was never a pre-meditated attack, but it was a physical expression of their changing relationship. If two girls were at odds, they would fight for the attention of the group, usually through their story-telling. Some of the best imaginations were housed inside of the three or four girls who took turns being ring-leaders. And all of this was happening among three and four year olds! That's how young this social expression begins! There were social expectations for them to behave in a certain way, but most of that came from home and/or the dress code. Playtime was always a choice, and the boys chose different activities than the girls.
I remember discussing this with the teacher once or twice. Her observations were interesting as well. Having gone to school to learn how to analyze the children, and making this her life work, she understood much more than I did. She told me that both sexes went through this phase of finding a "best friend." Whether they were friends for life, or only through prep school didn't really matter. They were all learning how to partner up. This would later be used as adults as they found their mates. I thought that was pretty interesting.
Last spring, I started seeing a counsellor. She was amazingly helpful! The best conversation we had was about childhood situations like the ones I had been observing in England. Most things that we do as adults, she told me, have their beginning in childhood or adolescence. When I would bring up an emotion I had in a situation of the time, she would ask me when the first time I had felt that was. Often it had been in childhood. With only a question or two, she made me realize that continuing to think that way was ridiculous. Life is not the same as childhood. The people I wanted to be in elementary school did not turn out any better than I did. And they probably wanted to be me at some point too. Realizing this made me heal so much faster. Most of it, I think, was merely being able to let go of the past and just move on. But, some of the things I learned in elementary school, are still kind of important.
I never had a best friend. Or, well, I guess I've gone through several best friends. Right now, I can count ten fabulous women as my best friend. The friendship was never perfect, though. I always expected them to be better friends to me than they were. Possibly why I think so highly of those best friends right now, too! When I make a connection with somebody, I pour my heart into that connection. That's what all of my best friends have done at some point too. After the initial friendship is formed, we don't have to focus so much on pouring our hearts into the relationship. It just works. And, I know that when I need them for me, they'll be there for me; just like when they need me, I'll be there too. But, that's how girls are. Women are social creatures.
Men are not. Well, no, that's an overstatement. Men grow up being told to be independent. As far as feminism has gone, it has not stopped this from happening. Maybe it has something to do with smashing the trucks into one another on the playground. They don't use language to manipulate the social order, they use their strength. One of the best strengths is independence. It's great to know that your friend has your back if you need it, but it's even better realizing that even if your best friend isn't there, you have the situation under your control. And this is socially rewarding!
Of course, this is a very simple argument and I see several holes within it. But, alas, this is but one blog post. I'm sure there will be more on the subject. For now, I'll address the first hole in the basic difference I just described.
"Bros Before Hoes" has become quite a popular saying in today's society. (I blame that dude from the Hills.) And it's a good one, for both men and women. I'm not sure how wrong Harry (as he was meeting Sally...) is in his theory that "men and women can never be friends," but it does happen that they are. Regardless, both sexes create a support network of friends, their "bros," that will help them when their partners, or "hoes," are no longer there. That's why it's so important to have friends! And, that is why you must put enough energy into your friendships as you do your relationships. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, and they elate us as much as they deflate us, but having a good set of friends there to lift you up when you need it most will never find yourself lonely. Well, at least not for anything longer than a moment or two of vitamin-D-deficient crying :-( But, that's important too.
What was my point? Oh, yes, I used to be a feminist. Then I realized that there is truth in differences between the sex. Did I proof that here? Meh....I dunno. But this was an interesting rant about men and women, regardless...
Has the province won? Have I become a redneck?
Shock and horror, I know!
Don't worry, though, I'm a cheatin' vegan. I think the first qualifier for becoming a redneck is your ability to rip the meat from a bone while it's still bleeding. Not that I have anything against people who like their steaks rare...
How did it happen? How did I calm down so much on this whole feminist thing?
I don't blame Alberta...I blame England!
I remember being so mad about the girls wearing skirts and the boys wearing shorts. And the fact that the girls were excellent at their sports, but the parents only really cared to go watch the boys' sports. It reminded me so much of our softball team and the first time my little feminist voice cried out for justice. That voice was never really heard, though. And I think she stopped speaking after awhile.
In England, I learned a lot about the real differences between boys and girls too. Most of this occurred when I was observing play time. I learned so many things from observing those kids! Even about social relationships. At that age, they were mostly figuring out how to make friends, and deal with society in general. The most violent boy was the most soft-spoken when we worked one-on-one. I think this was his reaction to finding himself within the society. Many of their games were expressions of their ideas about family life! Especially the girls. Children are sponges! It's amazing how they manipulate what happens at home into what happens during playtime. I thought that I gained much more insight into British life because of this. Children have very little filters. Perhaps I was misinterpretting a lot of it, but it was still extremely interesting...
After ten months of this, I accepted that there were major differences between men and women. Even if it is a mere social construct. Like wearing shorts, violence became a similarity among the boys. Building and playing with the trucks also became a boy activity. The girls played tag, and house, song-singing, and tattle-telling. If two boys were at odds with one another, they would often end up hurting one another physically. It was never a pre-meditated attack, but it was a physical expression of their changing relationship. If two girls were at odds, they would fight for the attention of the group, usually through their story-telling. Some of the best imaginations were housed inside of the three or four girls who took turns being ring-leaders. And all of this was happening among three and four year olds! That's how young this social expression begins! There were social expectations for them to behave in a certain way, but most of that came from home and/or the dress code. Playtime was always a choice, and the boys chose different activities than the girls.
I remember discussing this with the teacher once or twice. Her observations were interesting as well. Having gone to school to learn how to analyze the children, and making this her life work, she understood much more than I did. She told me that both sexes went through this phase of finding a "best friend." Whether they were friends for life, or only through prep school didn't really matter. They were all learning how to partner up. This would later be used as adults as they found their mates. I thought that was pretty interesting.
Last spring, I started seeing a counsellor. She was amazingly helpful! The best conversation we had was about childhood situations like the ones I had been observing in England. Most things that we do as adults, she told me, have their beginning in childhood or adolescence. When I would bring up an emotion I had in a situation of the time, she would ask me when the first time I had felt that was. Often it had been in childhood. With only a question or two, she made me realize that continuing to think that way was ridiculous. Life is not the same as childhood. The people I wanted to be in elementary school did not turn out any better than I did. And they probably wanted to be me at some point too. Realizing this made me heal so much faster. Most of it, I think, was merely being able to let go of the past and just move on. But, some of the things I learned in elementary school, are still kind of important.
I never had a best friend. Or, well, I guess I've gone through several best friends. Right now, I can count ten fabulous women as my best friend. The friendship was never perfect, though. I always expected them to be better friends to me than they were. Possibly why I think so highly of those best friends right now, too! When I make a connection with somebody, I pour my heart into that connection. That's what all of my best friends have done at some point too. After the initial friendship is formed, we don't have to focus so much on pouring our hearts into the relationship. It just works. And, I know that when I need them for me, they'll be there for me; just like when they need me, I'll be there too. But, that's how girls are. Women are social creatures.
Men are not. Well, no, that's an overstatement. Men grow up being told to be independent. As far as feminism has gone, it has not stopped this from happening. Maybe it has something to do with smashing the trucks into one another on the playground. They don't use language to manipulate the social order, they use their strength. One of the best strengths is independence. It's great to know that your friend has your back if you need it, but it's even better realizing that even if your best friend isn't there, you have the situation under your control. And this is socially rewarding!
Of course, this is a very simple argument and I see several holes within it. But, alas, this is but one blog post. I'm sure there will be more on the subject. For now, I'll address the first hole in the basic difference I just described.
"Bros Before Hoes" has become quite a popular saying in today's society. (I blame that dude from the Hills.) And it's a good one, for both men and women. I'm not sure how wrong Harry (as he was meeting Sally...) is in his theory that "men and women can never be friends," but it does happen that they are. Regardless, both sexes create a support network of friends, their "bros," that will help them when their partners, or "hoes," are no longer there. That's why it's so important to have friends! And, that is why you must put enough energy into your friendships as you do your relationships. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, and they elate us as much as they deflate us, but having a good set of friends there to lift you up when you need it most will never find yourself lonely. Well, at least not for anything longer than a moment or two of vitamin-D-deficient crying :-( But, that's important too.
What was my point? Oh, yes, I used to be a feminist. Then I realized that there is truth in differences between the sex. Did I proof that here? Meh....I dunno. But this was an interesting rant about men and women, regardless...
Saturday, 23 October 2010
It All Began With a Grandmother...
My last grandparent died this summer: Janet Marie Carlson. It was her name from the day she was born... and, were it not for our middle names, we had the same initials. I didn't realize how much more we had in common until I sat down to write her eulogy...
She never meant to be a teacher, but she was. She never meant to fall in love with a farmer, but she did. She may have never had a plan for how her life would go, but it turned out well, as did her three children. Somewhere along the way, she did a lot of things right, even if she may have made the wrong decision once or twice. She was human, that's what we do.
She was more than a farmer's wife. She was a freelance journalist for the local papers. She sold her hen's eggs, plastic plants, and even tupperware. She was a huge member of the community, and rarely turned down an organization's request to help out. She even helped out her neighbours when they refused to ask for it. She was a farmer's wife - that is what a farmer does.
When my first Grandma died, I lost my religion. The two events were not consciously related. There were no questions of "How could this mortal man speak about miracles and salvation when an angel had left this world?" because I never thought about the two together. It was only later, when I learned more about all organized religions that I stopped hiding from some of what the mortal man was saying and began understanding why he was saying it. The reason for saying it was always more important to me than what was said. It wasn't much longer after that connection was made that I realized that my Grandma was my personal guardian angel. She's not always there, but when I really need her, she steps in. She guides me in the right direction more than anything else. And she reminds me that my family is important, above everything else...except perhaps myself.
The need to leave my job began the week my last Grandma died. Without a car, I needed to make it to Saskatoon with my sisters. Their bosses gave them immediate leave, if required, but both turned the opportunity down. "No," they said, "but thank you. Our little sister won't be able to get away until Friday afternoon, and we need to go together."
Two months earlier, my boss had told me that she would do anything for any of her employees in the branch. Their families too. Somehow, I wasn't included in that group. To be fair, I never asked for more than I needed - to leave early that afternoon. She agreed to 2pm. At 245, I was still helping a client that was beyond my capacity. There was not a word of assistance from the rest of the team - or the at least those that could help the client. Apparently, I cared more for the company and its clients than the company cared for me, and my family. If they really lived up to their talk of being a company that cared about their employees, I would have been told to go home when I came in that Thursday, as my two sisters had.
After listening to a twenty-minute rant from my sister about how I was too good for them, I knew that I would not be there longer than a year. When I returned, the only comments I received from the boss was that when she got back from her holiday, we would talk about the complaints she had received on that Friday.
On my 25th birthday, that date was bumped forward ten months. The universe was calling, and the corporate world was bidding me farewell. I thought back to my Grandma who had just passed, and I realized that she was helping in the guidance now. She was always an entrepreneur, without even realizing it. And she never had an employer that put the company's dollar before an employee's family life. She was a farmer. Her career included her family everyday, and it gave back to her family in every way.
Now, she watches over me, and shines the light on the right opportunities. Now, I have two guardian angels - both of them farmers! Now, I'm getting closer to the person I always wanted to be. Soon, I'll reap what I'm learning what best I sow!
It's splendid! :-D
She never meant to be a teacher, but she was. She never meant to fall in love with a farmer, but she did. She may have never had a plan for how her life would go, but it turned out well, as did her three children. Somewhere along the way, she did a lot of things right, even if she may have made the wrong decision once or twice. She was human, that's what we do.
She was more than a farmer's wife. She was a freelance journalist for the local papers. She sold her hen's eggs, plastic plants, and even tupperware. She was a huge member of the community, and rarely turned down an organization's request to help out. She even helped out her neighbours when they refused to ask for it. She was a farmer's wife - that is what a farmer does.
When my first Grandma died, I lost my religion. The two events were not consciously related. There were no questions of "How could this mortal man speak about miracles and salvation when an angel had left this world?" because I never thought about the two together. It was only later, when I learned more about all organized religions that I stopped hiding from some of what the mortal man was saying and began understanding why he was saying it. The reason for saying it was always more important to me than what was said. It wasn't much longer after that connection was made that I realized that my Grandma was my personal guardian angel. She's not always there, but when I really need her, she steps in. She guides me in the right direction more than anything else. And she reminds me that my family is important, above everything else...except perhaps myself.
The need to leave my job began the week my last Grandma died. Without a car, I needed to make it to Saskatoon with my sisters. Their bosses gave them immediate leave, if required, but both turned the opportunity down. "No," they said, "but thank you. Our little sister won't be able to get away until Friday afternoon, and we need to go together."
Two months earlier, my boss had told me that she would do anything for any of her employees in the branch. Their families too. Somehow, I wasn't included in that group. To be fair, I never asked for more than I needed - to leave early that afternoon. She agreed to 2pm. At 245, I was still helping a client that was beyond my capacity. There was not a word of assistance from the rest of the team - or the at least those that could help the client. Apparently, I cared more for the company and its clients than the company cared for me, and my family. If they really lived up to their talk of being a company that cared about their employees, I would have been told to go home when I came in that Thursday, as my two sisters had.
After listening to a twenty-minute rant from my sister about how I was too good for them, I knew that I would not be there longer than a year. When I returned, the only comments I received from the boss was that when she got back from her holiday, we would talk about the complaints she had received on that Friday.
On my 25th birthday, that date was bumped forward ten months. The universe was calling, and the corporate world was bidding me farewell. I thought back to my Grandma who had just passed, and I realized that she was helping in the guidance now. She was always an entrepreneur, without even realizing it. And she never had an employer that put the company's dollar before an employee's family life. She was a farmer. Her career included her family everyday, and it gave back to her family in every way.
Now, she watches over me, and shines the light on the right opportunities. Now, I have two guardian angels - both of them farmers! Now, I'm getting closer to the person I always wanted to be. Soon, I'll reap what I'm learning what best I sow!
It's splendid! :-D
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